


writing it on my goddamn character sheet

by QueenWithABeeThrone



Category: The Defenders (Marvel TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Tabletop Gaming, Gen, Not really an AU, Pre-Slash, Team Bonding, post-jj s2 but vaguely references it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-14
Updated: 2018-03-14
Packaged: 2019-03-31 08:18:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,074
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13971051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenWithABeeThrone/pseuds/QueenWithABeeThrone
Summary: “Fuck you, not all of us can be Matt Mercer or Griffin McElroy,” huffs Foggy.or: Foggy runs a D&D game. Matt, Danny, Luke, and Jessica are his players. this goes as well as you'd think it would.





	writing it on my goddamn character sheet

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Werelibrarian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Werelibrarian/gifts).



> title is from a quote from _The Adventure Zone: Balance._ more specifically, episode 19. here is the rest of the quote:
> 
>  _Taako: You guys can split it 50/50 if you want, I swear to god, first thing I do when I get outside is I rat you out._  
>  All: [laughter]  
> Justin/Taako: I’m writing it on my goddamn character sheet. So I never forget to rat you two out.
> 
> thanks, Daredevil Discord.

“Just so we all know,” says Jessica, the last to step into the room, “I’m only here ‘cause Danny paid me to be here.”

“In fresh pizza and Chinese takeaway,” says Danny. “The pizza’s not here yet.”

“Wait a moment,” says Foggy, who’d been the first to show up and had spent a couple hours setting up his little corner of the table for their game, “you bribed her with _Chinese_?”

“Jessica’s taste buds are very discerning,” says Matt, who’s somehow dug up his old custom dice. He clutches the dice bag close to his chest now, as if he doesn’t quite trust anyone else with his dice. Foggy can’t blame him. Last time he did, he started rolling below 10. “Yours aren’t.”

“I hope you’re not implying that I, _your Dungeon Master_ , don’t know what good food tastes like,” says Foggy.

Luke glances up from the Player’s Handbook, and says, dryly, “Can we save pissing off the DM for during the game, Matt?”

“Nah, the DM likes me,” says Matt.

Foggy, in answer, kicks his shin under the table.

“God, I can’t believe I’m playing this nerdy-ass game,” mutters Jessica, sitting down next to Luke. She dumps a bag of dice out on the table, and brings out a sketchpad half-full of drawings—someone else’s sketchpad, apparently. She rips out a page. “I can’t believe you _like_ this nerdy-ass game,” she says to Luke.

“Claire’s fault,” says Luke. “She’s on a D&D podcast kick, I figured I’d see what all the fuss was about.”

“And I,” says Danny, triumphantly, “heard it was a good team-building exercise!”

“We aren’t a team,” says Jessica.

“We saved New York, we are _definitely_ a team,” Danny counters. “Matt! Luke! Back me up here.”

“ _One_ time doesn’t make us a team,” says Luke. “Wouldn’t mind doing it again, though. Hopefully _after_ Matt’s a lot better, though I think—”

“Ow,” says Matt, not very convincingly, “my back.”

Foggy rolls his eyes, and says, “Your back is _fine_ , asshole, you helped me carry a desk up two days ago.” He settles in, glances under the table at the miniatures he’s bought for the occasion. They aren’t quite what Luke or Danny might’ve envisioned for their characters, but hey, the campaign’s a rush job right now—it’s mostly a basic dungeon crawl with bad guys to eliminate, meant for beginners, and a small plotline featuring potential treachery from the quest-giver, meant for Matt.

“Do we introduce our characters now,” says Luke, “or—”

“Mine’s a half-elf monk,” says Danny, proudly, and Foggy sighs. Ah, well. “His name’s Dan’ell, and he was trained in the ancient ways of martial arts by a mysterious order of monks, after his parents died in a tragic accident, leaving him and, unbeknownst to him, his twin as the sole survivors.”

“Have you got a twin we don’t know about?” says Luke, and Danny lightly smacks his shoulder, then makes an exaggerated face as he draws his hand back and shakes it out. “Is he going to show up at any point? I feel like that’s something we should know, just in case.”

“I don’t _have_ a twin,” says Danny.

“You say that now,” says Luke.

Matt huffs out a laugh, and says, “I’m a tiefling cleric. Blind, by the way—my deity demanded a sacrifice before he would grant me the power I sought from him, and I gave up my eyes. In return my senses are _very_ good.”

“Heartbeat across a room good?” says Jessica.

“I said _very_ good,” says Matt, which definitely means yes. “Anyway—for years I’ve been wandering around towns, doing good and trying not to attract attention because, come on, a _blind tiefling_. Shopkeepers shut their doors at the sight of me. I’m bad luck.”

“No you aren’t,” says Danny, reflexively.

“I’m saying that in-character,” says Matt, which is a real good excuse, and so Foggy reaches over to pat his shoulder. “Thanks, Fog.”

“Welcome,” says Foggy. “Also, I need your _name_.”

“I’m getting to that,” says Matt. “It’s Gabriel. Like the archangel.”

“Oh, him again,” says Foggy, peeved. “This better not turn out with him in bed with a prince, Matt!”

“ _One time,_ ” says Matt.

“Wait, wait,” says Jessica, “you’ve played this guy before? And he fucked a prince?”

“I’m pretty sure clerics aren’t supposed to fuck princes,” says Danny. “Are they?”

“Didn’t stop him,” says Foggy, darkly, remembering the solid hour spent trying to extricate Matt’s cleric from the dungeon and the week-long jokes about sex dungeons afterwards. “Luke?”

“I’m a wizard named Clarotorius,” says Luke, “and my school was burned down by a despicable tyrant when I was a teacher there. I survived and decided to go into hiding in a remote town somewhere, and I’ve been there ever since, establishing myself as a steady presence in the town and trying to hide any trace of magic, because I want to keep living and I want to carry on the legacy of my school, and the teachers who died there.”

“Claro-what now?” says Jessica.

“I had a few weeks to think about this,” says Luke, and Foggy very graciously does not mention the five revisions of Luke’s wizard’s backstory sitting in his inbox. Luke’s a fucking nerd. “What about you, Jess?”

“I’m Jessica the Beheader,” says Jessica, “I’m a barbarian, I drink a lot, I’m resistant to magic, and I’m not giving you a fucking backstory.”

“Is that even possible for a player character?” says Danny, frowning. “Being resistant to magic?”

It’s probably not, but Foggy shrugs. “I’ll let it slide,” he says, mentally revising some encounters. Wouldn’t be fair to anyone if only Jessica made it through an encounter unscathed. “Okay, so that’s the four of you.” He checks over his notes, rewrites some scenarios and encounters, and says, “All four of you currently are in the kingdom of—hm, Woreyn…”

\--

“A bar,” says Jessica, approvingly, after Foggy finishes telling them of the kingdom of Woreyn, which he definitely just ripped off of New York. “How shitty is it?”

“Not _too_ shitty,” says Foggy. “I mean, it’s a dive bar, you’re not gonna be getting expensive red wine, but the bartender keeps the place clean and the patrons aren’t _too_ overtly criminal.” He pauses, and then jerks a thumb at Matt and says, “And then he walked in. Purple skin, flashy robes, fancy silken blindfold and all.”

“Like I said, tiefling cleric,” says Matt. He inclines his head in Foggy’s direction and says, “Also, you forgot the heavy book I’m carrying with me.”

“Can I see what kind of book he’s carrying with him?” says Danny. “From my vantage point at the counter.”

“Roll for perception,” says Foggy.

Danny rolls, frowns, and says, “Is 12 good?”

_Dan’ell watches the tiefling walk up to the bar, sitting down three chairs away from them. The bartender, a large man with old, old eyes, leans on the counter to talk quietly with the tiefling._

_Dan’ell squints at the book the tiefling’s carrying. He can’t quite make out the letters, but something about it seems familiar, as though he’s seen it before. Maybe—nah._

_“And what’ll you have?” the bartender rumbles, to the small woman seated just beside Dan’ell. “Miss—”_

_“Jessica,” says the woman, and the name ripples out like a pebble thrown into a pond. All at once, the low murmurs of conversation in the bar die, as the name Jessica sinks in._

_“I’ve heard about you,” says the bartender, one of three people not at all ruffled by Jessica’s name. “Lot of stories around. Y’know—”_

Luke pauses, then huffs out a breath. “Can I roll for—perception, was it?” he asks. “I’ll roll for perception.”

There’s a clatter of dice, and Luke triumphantly says, “16!”

“Okay, so you have heard,” starts Foggy—

_“—about Jess the Beheader,” says the bartender. “One story in particular, about the last time you were in a bar like mine.”_

_“Story’s old,” says Jessica. “And I’m not here to talk about stories anyway, I just want my damn drink.”_

_“Yeah,” says the tiefling cleric, suddenly, “me too.”_

_“Thought clerics weren’t supposed to drink,” says Jessica, turning to look at him. She eyes the book too._

“What the fuck, _five_?” says Jessica, staring at her dice.

Matt discreetly tugs his box of dice away from her.

“You have no idea what the hell those symbols on Gabriel’s book stand for,” says Foggy. “They’re _letters_ , that much you can tell, but they’re not letters you know.”

“Anyway,” starts Matt—

_“Some clerics, yeah,” says the tiefling, tilting his head in Jessica and Dan’ell’s direction. A blind tiefling cleric—there’s a story behind that. “Their deities demand it of them. Mine’s a bit more lax than that.”_

_“So who’s your deity?” says the bartender._

_“The Traveler,” says the tiefling, seemingly unconcerned, but if the bar had gone quiet before at Jessica’s name, now it’s gone terribly still. Everyone’s staring now at the counter, the Traveler’s acolyte and the barbarian woman._

_And then Dan’ell sidles up to the tiefling and says, “I’ve never met anyone who follows the Traveler’s path before!” He holds his hand out, and says, “Dan’ell. I’m—”_

“—the Immortal Iron Fist,” Jessica completes, downing her drink.

“ _Hey_ ,” says Danny. “Give me a little more credit than that. I’m—”

_“—The Golden Hand of Eternity.”_

_“I’m sorry, what,” says the tiefling._

_“Did you steal something from behind the counter?” says the bartender, glaring at Dan’ell, because, what. He’s never even heard of this Golden Hand before. It sounds like someone ripped the name straight from one of those bad smut novels being sold in town._

“Yeah, so mysterious,” says Jessica, sarcastic, “I wonder what it could be standing in for.”

“I’m making an effort to be creative here,” says Danny. “What are you doing? You just named your character after yourself!”

“I’m being honest,” says Jessica.

“Guys,” says Foggy.

_“I did not,” says Dan’ell._

_“Really,” says the bartender, drawing himself up to his full height. And he’s a big guy, standing at six foot something._

_“I didn’t steal anything of yours,” says Dan’ell. “Anyone in this bar can testify. Right, Mister—”_

_“Gabriel,” says the tiefling, “and keep me out of it, man, I just want a drink for the road.”_

_“Yeah, me too, I’m sure as fuck not staying around,” says Jessica. “But if it helps, he probably already came in high.”_

_“I’m not—” Dan’ell starts, just as someone barrels through the doors of this fine establishment: a guardsman, wild-eyed and grinning crazily. He draws his sword and points it at the bartender, with the air of someone who has finally triumphed._

_“You!” says the guardsman. “Clarotorius! You are under arrest!”_

_“I’m sorry, did you say Clarence?” says Jessica._

“Clarence,” says Luke, flatly.

“I’m not gonna even try to pronounce that name you came up with,” says Jessica, with a shrug.

Luke drums his fingers on the table, then sighs. “I’m gonna try to intimidate this guy into leaving,” he says, taking up a die.

“Make an intimidation check,” says Foggy.

Luke rolls, and says, “ _Dammit_. 10.”

_“You must be mistaken,” says Clarence, crossing his arms defensively and glaring down the guardsman. Sweat is forming on his brow, though, giving the lie to his brazen response._

_Already there are more guardsmen pouring in, holding swords and spears and pointing them at patrons. A couple of them point spears at Jessica, Gabriel and Dan’ell, because they’re racist assholes and a small woman with weird markings, a blind tiefling, and a half-elf monk are instant causes for suspicion._

_“Now I remember why I never visited this kingdom,” says Gabriel, pleasantly._

_“I haven’t done anything!” Dan’ell half-yells. “Why are you—don’t point those spears at me, come on, please. I don’t want to hurt any of you.”_

_“Can’t a girl get a drink around here?” Jessica complains._

_“Weapons,” one of the guardsmen commands, in a nasal tone. “Now.” His eyes fall on the heavy book in Gabriel’s hands, and he snarls, “Give me that book.”_

_“Oh, certainly,” says Gabriel, “I’m sure it’ll prove to be quite an enlightening experience—”_

“—and then I hit him on the head,” Matt finishes.

“Oh my _god_ ,” says Danny. “Is that why you mentioned you had a book around? _Matt._ ”

“He pulled this shit in the last campaign we did too,” says Foggy, fond and somewhat bittersweet memories drifting up to the forefront of his mind. “Once he picked up that book, it was all over.”

“What’s it even called, anyway?” says Luke, incredulously.

“Oh, you’ll hate this,” says Foggy, with a chuckle.

“Shush, don’t _tell_ them yet,” says Matt, already taking up his dice to roll for damage. The plastic dice land on the table with a clatter, and Matt runs a finger over the first die and says, “17—that hits, and—”

_—the guardsman staggers back, bleeding from where Gabriel smashed his tome into his skull. He bumps against a table, overturning it, and slumps a little against the now-exposed underside, eyes glazing over as he raises his fingers to the wound._

_“The hell?” he manages to say, before he just passes out._

_“Did you have to do that?” says Dan’ell._

_“In my defense, I wasn’t trying to hit him that hard,” says Gabriel._

_“Any of you break anything—” starts Clarence, eyes glowing as he casts Stoneskin._

_“Charge it to these assholes, not us,” says Jessica, unsheathing her greatsword from off her back. “We’re trying to save your life.”_

“Roll for initiative,” says Foggy.

\--

_The bar is burning a couple minutes later._

_“So much for laying low,” says Clarence, brushing the soot off his clothes, just as one of his regulars comes in with hair half coming out of her bun and blinks at the carnage: half the bar on fire, most of the patrons evacuated, and a good chunk of the guard lying dead or unconscious on the ground. “Now I gotta move again.”_

_Jessica cleans her sword off with a shirt she’d ripped off a corpse. “Run along, kid,” she says to the regular._

_The woman scowls at her and says, “I’m twenty-two! I heard about what was happening—”_

“News travels fast in this town,” says Matt.

“He says, while my bar is _burning_ ,” says Luke.

“If you don’t want me to call your character _kid_ , don’t pitch her voice so high,” says Jessica, pointing her flask at Foggy. “You sound like a little girl. A shitty little girl.”

“Fuck you, not all of us can be Matt Mercer or Griffin McElroy,” huffs Foggy.

“You listen to _The Adventure Zone_ too?” says Danny, eyes brightening.

“Um, yeah,” says Foggy, uncertainly now. Where is this going? He isn’t entirely sure, only that he can see the hopeful look on Danny’s face and the shit-eating grin on Matt’s.

“Oh, great,” says Danny. “The finale was _great_ , especially when Taako—”

“If you finish that sentence and spoil me for the finale I swear to god, Rand,” says Foggy, with all the authority granted unto him as the Dungeon Master and also all the desperation granted unto him by dint of being _way too behind_ on his favorite everything, “I will _make_ you regret it.”

“Ah, come on, you don’t mean that,” says Matt, still grinning at him. “Come on, Danny, I swear Foggy won’t mind.”

“You want Gabriel to not run into a dragon again, right?” says Foggy.

Matt’s grin vanishes.

“I’m sorry, a _dragon_?” says Luke.

“Thought so,” says Foggy. “Anyway, where was I?”

_“In all the commotion, all I heard was that you were a wizard all along,” says the woman. “And—”_

_“I won’t trouble you all for any longer, if that’s what you’re thinking,” says Clarence, with a sigh. “Now that it’s out, I’ve got to go.”_

_“Yeah, me too,” says Jessica, “I like not being in jail.”_

_“You can’t!” the woman bursts out. “I—I need your help._ All _of you. I need a wizard, and I need Jessica the Beheader.” She points at Gabriel with a trembling finger and says, “I heard about you! About how you and your companions killed that murderous gunslinger and his men in Tassex. About the last stand at Wintrall. About—”_

_“I didn’t realize I was so famous,” says Gabriel, tilting his chin up._

_“And I’ve heard about the Golden Hand of Eternity, too,” the woman goes on to say, turning to Dan’ell. “I know who you all are, and—I need your help.”_

“Okay, I’m suspicious of her,” says Matt. “She’s a regular to Lu—Clarence’s, right? How would she have heard of all of us? Especially _Tassex_ , that was a genre and a continent away.”

“Did you just rearrange _Texas_ around?” says Jessica, incredulously.

“In my defense, I wasn’t the one running that campaign,” says Foggy. “You wanna roll a perception check? You’ve got an advantage, since you put in here that you have enhanced senses thanks to the sacrifice of your sight and _Matthew Murdock you fucking asshole._ ”

“Did you just now realize?” says Matt, propping his chin up on his hand and smiling sunnily even under the force of Foggy’s glare.

“You didn’t,” says Luke, marveling.

“ _Dick_ ,” huffs Foggy, as Matt takes up the dice. “I’ll homebrew a monster with a sonic scream like Black Canary just for you next time, see if I don’t.”

“Lie,” says Matt, fingers passing lightly over the topmost faces of his dice. “Also, twenty-four. With the advantage.”

“I’m gonna roll too,” says Jessica, and rolls. “The fuck? A _six_?”

_The woman’s not lying about wanting help, Gabriel can tell that much. Her heartbeat stays steady the whole time, her posture ramrod straight. Then she says, “My brother went into the mines, just outside of town, because of that stupid rumor about a forbidden book buried in them,” and her heartbeat ticks up a couple notches, her palms start to sweat._

_Jessica, disinterested in this whole procedure, just looks away to the door after a moment. She doesn’t catch much of the woman’s plea, she’s tuned out most of it._

_“A rumor?” says Dan’ell._

_“They say,” says the woman, fixing Clarence with her steady gaze, “that one day, a wizard came to town. A little after the bans on magic, y’see. He had a book he wanted to hide, belonging to some school that burned down a couple of weeks before he came to town—”_

_“What was the name of this school?” Clarence demands, stepping forward. “Where did this other wizard go? What was his name?”_

_“I don’t know!” says the woman._

“Is she lying?” says Matt.

“Nope, she’s definitely just repeating what the rumor’s telling her,” says Foggy. “Anyway—”

_“These mines outside of town,” says Dan’ell, “surely they can’t be hard to traverse.”_

_“You would think that,” says the woman, “but there are—there are things in there, good sirs and good ma’am. Things with a taste for human flesh. And my brother, god, my brother, he hasn’t come out in days, and I’m scared—”_

_“Not good,” says Jessica. “I’m not going in.”_

_“Why?” says Dan’ell, rounding on Jessica. “We could use your help!”_

_“Your brother, why would he go inside the mines looking for a rumor?” says Clarence. “What would he gain from it? Especially from a book of magic from a school that’s been burned down—I can’t see what use it would have to him.”_

_“I don’t know!” the woman half-wails._

_Gabriel, who’s been listening to this whole conversation, hears her heartbeat climb higher and higher. Something is off here, about this quest, and he’s not sure what it is. But all his years of adventuring have honed a fine instinct for knowing when he’s being lied to, so he opens his mouth—_

_“We’ll help,” says Dan’ell._

_“I’m sorry,” says Jessica, “did you just say_ we _? There is no_ we _here, okay, we fought our way out of trouble—”_

_“You set fire to my bar,” says Clarence._

_“—we worked together once, end of story,” Jessica finishes. “I just want my damn drink. And my money back.”_

_“I’ll give you money if that’s what you want,” says the woman. “I’ll pay you everything I have! Just find my brother and bring him home, please.”_

_“We could help her,” says Dan’ell, pleading now. “We have to help her. What kind of adventurers would we be, if we left her brother to die?”_

_“I don’t know about that whole adventurer thing,” starts Clarence._

_“I’m coming with you,” says Gabriel. “You’ll need a cleric.”_

_“I’m coming too,” says Clarence, immediately. “You’ll need more than a blind cleric if you mean to go through those mines, if what she says is true.”_

_“Listen—” starts Jessica._

_“My purse has fifty gold in it,” says Gabriel. “I will pay you to come with us and keep us from dying horribly.”_

“Okay, do you really have fifty bucks?” says Jessica. “Or are you just trying to get me to come with you?”

“Depends,” says Matt. “Are you asking as Jessica Jones, PI, or Jessica the Beheader?”

Jessica scowls at him, before she remembers he can’t see. “I’m asking Matt Murdock,” she says.

“Then yeah, I’ve got fifty gold in my purse and that’s about it,” says Matt. “My halfling friend and I split our money when we parted ways.” He tilts his head in Foggy’s direction and says, somewhat hopefully, “Is he ever…”

“I can’t promise that, bud, sorry, I’m playing him in a different game right now,” says Foggy, and the crestfallen look on Matt’s face breaks his heart a little bit. “I—Maybe if I ask the DM of our game she’ll help me with merging the campaigns for a couple of nights, but. Sorry.”

“It’s fine,” says Matt, a little too quickly.

“You have another game?” says Danny. “Wait, we’re not—”

“We only meet every other Tuesday, so, no, I’m not being dragged away from anything important involving them,” says Foggy, deciding not to mention just who else he’s playing with. Jessica in particular probably wouldn’t be too happy to hear about two of his fellow players. “Do you want to roll a persuasion check or—”

“Nope,” says Jessica, too fast.

“No,” says Matt. “I’m not trying to force her into anything. I’m just saying, I can pay her.”

“I can pay her too,” says Luke. “I’ve got enough money, running a bar.”

“So I guess that means,” says Jessica—

_“—yeah, fine,” says Jessica. “Dammit. Fine. How much am I getting upfront? Because I’m going to need a drink after this.”_

_“Thirty gold now, the rest when the job’s done,” says Gabriel._

_“I’ll throw the drink in for free,” says Clarence._

_“Oh, come on,” says Dan’ell. “Her brother’s in danger!” He gestures to the woman, who’s watching this transaction going on with unreadable eyes, clammy palms, a steady heartbeat. “Is that not enough of a reason to help her?”_

_“Not for me, it’s not,” says Jessica. She turns back to Gabriel and Clarence and says, “All right, I’ll take the job. But don’t expect me to stick around.”_

_“Don’t expect me to stick around either,” says Clarence. “I’m trying not to die, here. I just don’t want other people dying when I can do something about it.”_

_“I don’t either,” says Gabriel, as he turns back to the woman who he knows, all too well, is lying to them about something. What it is, he doesn’t know yet. The only way to find out is to step into the trap. “We’ll take the job.”_

The doorbell rings, startling them all out of the game. Foggy blinks, and it takes him a moment to shake off the narrator, the woman, the quest for the moment. “Can someone get that?” he says.

“Oh, hey!” says Danny, standing up with a grin. “Jess, it’s the pizza! Lemme go get it.”

“Oh, thank god,” says Jessica. “Hey, Luke, you allergic to anything?”

“Nah, not really,” says Luke. “Just no pineapple on pizza for me.”

“That is just horrific,” says Matt, as Danny races off down the stairs. “Foggy?”

“Stop hating on Hawaiian pizza so much, you assholes, just because you’re pizza snobs doesn’t mean I have to be,” says Foggy, absurdly giddy over the pizza, over the game, over being able to hang out here with Matt and his weird superhero friends playing Dungeons and Dragons. He can’t stop himself from actually grinning a little, and wondering—maybe, just maybe, he can talk to Misty and they can plan something out, for the next arc of their campaign.

God, he can’t wait.


End file.
